Forgive Them (Even When They Don’t Get It)

At a recent Good Friday service, I was struck by a new thought from an ancient scripture.

While on the cross, Jesus speaks these remarkable words, “Forgive them for they know not what they do.”

As I heard these words, they shifted within me to:

“Forgive them even when they don’t get it.”

As they did so I realized that in my life I have held back my forgiveness in the hopes that someone who has hurt me gets it.

At times, I have spoken with them using a variety of conflict resolution and communication skills.

I have been a good teacher. “Surely,” I thought, “They will understand.”

In the end I have to admit that I have had an agenda. I expect them to change. Or at least understand and respect my beliefs and feelings.

But what if the person just doesn’t get it? For whatever reason, they continue to live in a world that is so foreign to my own that our very interaction is nothing short of a cross-cultural experience.

I do not know if the hurt goes away, but I do know that pride, in the form of the incessant conversations that go on in my head as I attempt to make my case, can keep the pain alive for a very long time.

I am reminded of a spiritual written about this same period of Jesus’ suffering.

“He never said a mumblin’ word.”

Jesus, who was by any right innocent of the crimes he was convicted of, who as a rabbi could have given quite an adequate defense, and who could have called 10,000 angels to fight for him, chose rather to frustrate the powers that be by being silent.

Over the years, I have placed a lot of stock in my ability as an articulate person in touch with my feelings to “carefront” others I am in conflict with. At the same time, I have lost sleep as my mind portrays endless scenarios the day before I wish to talk with someone. I have had to stay angry because that is the only way that I have the energy necessary to have such a scary conversation with someone.

Such habits have simply made me tired.

While I am not ready to say that there is no place for such confrontations, I am beginning to believe that I have had an over reliance on my own abilities. Too often I have not allowed God, in the form of grace, love, and forgiveness, to infuse what I am to do.

And say.

If I am to do, or say, anything at all.

In the end, I must be the one who offers forgiveness with no strings attached even if the person who has hurt me does not get it.

Without any expectation that such will ever take place.

If understanding comes then that is a bonus. But it should not be a precursor for my offering of grace.

The Creator has offered me agape charis – grace beyond my ability to earn or understand.

I can do no less to those who hurt me.

Especially when they do not, and may never, get it.

The Missing Shovel – Forgiveness on the River Kwai

Ernest Gordon was a Scottish POW in Word War II. He wrote a book entitled Miracle on the River Kwai which detailed his experience along with other soldiers at the hands of their Japanese captors as they were forced to build a jungle railroad.

As conditions steadily worsened, as starvation, exhaustion and disease took an ever-growing toll, the atmosphere in which we lived was increasingly poisoned by selfishness, hatred, and fear. We were slipping rapidly down the scale of degradation. 

We lived by the rule of the jungle, “red in tooth and claw” – the evolutionary law of the survival of the fittest. It was a case of “I look out for myself and to hell with everyone else.” The weak were trampled underfoot, the sick ignored or resented, the dead forgotten. When a man lay dying we had no word of mercy. When he cried for our help, we averted our heads. 

We had long since resigned ourselves to being derelicts. We were the forsaken men – forsaken by our families, by our friends, by our government. Now even God had left us.

Hate, for some, was the only motivation for living. We hated the Japanese. We would willingly have torn them limb from limb, flesh from flesh, had they fallen into our hands. In time even hate died, giving way to numb, black despair.

Then Gordon becomes sick and is nursed back to health by two other men. This act of sacrifice along with others began to create a change in Gordon as well as the other men in the camp. One anecdote from his book that is pretty well known goes as follows:

One day a shovel is missing. The officer in charge becomes angry and demands that the missing shovel be produced or he will kill them all. No one budges until finally, one man steps forward. The officer beats the man to death. At the next tool check, there is no shovel missing and the men realize that there had been a miscount at the first check point. The prisoners are stunned. An innocent man was willing to die to save everyone else.

Gordon goes on to describe a greater recognition of the suffering Christ and as a result, the men began to treat each other with more care and kindness. The change was so significant that when the skeletal captives were liberated, they could, instead of attacking their captors, say to them:

“No more hatred. No more killing. Now what we need is forgiveness.”

(NOTE: The Bridge On The River Kwai while a classic film tells a rather different story. A movie that has been released that more closely portrays the sacrificial love of Gordon’s story is called To End All Wars. Information can be found here: http://toendallwarsthemovie.com/)

Healing 9/11

After the tragedy of 9/11, the US had an opportunity to respond differently then in the past, to choose mercy over vengeance. Unfortunately, that did not happen, the good will and overwhelming empathy of the world was squandered. This nation launched two wars, devastating two countries as well as our own.

Two mothers from different cultures affected by the tragedy of 9/11 describe their path to friendship and forgiveness in the incredibly powerful video below:

http://www.ted.com/talks/9_11_healing_the_mothers_who_found_forgiveness_friendship.html

Heart Problems

Once upon a time, there were three men caught up in a church split. Two of the men disagreed over baptism. The third man happened to join the church right before the split happened.

Years passed. Eventually one man began another church in the same town. The other joined a similar church that had been planted by the third man. He attempted to have a good relationship with the two who had disagreed and who still refused to speak to each other.

More years passed. Both churches grew. The two men continued to remain distant. The third man continued to relate to both.

Then he got sick. It was not terminal but it was incurable. The man suffered for several years and was in and out of the hospital, eventually losing his job and going on disability.

Then during one hospitalization, the third man called the two men to his bedside and even though he was not the main culprit in the argument, he asked for their forgiveness for whatever hurt he may have caused as a result over the years. Both of the men responded positively. Yet they continued to remain at odds with each other.

Soon after, miraculously, the third man began to be healed until he was completely well. He went back to work and his life returned to normal.

More years passed. The two men still did not reconcile.

The second man moved away. The first man stayed in the area.

Still in his 50s, he died of a heart attack.

Four years later, the second man was found dead on the floor of his bedroom.

He too had a heart attack. He was 51.

That was 20 years ago.

The third man is alive and still in good health. He does not have a heart problem.

He practiced forgiveness.

Forgiveness Is An Unending Circle

Most are aware of the tragic shooting of Amish school girls in Lancaster County, PA in October 2006 and perhaps many have heard of the Amish’s gracious response to the tragedy. I found the excerpt below to be well written so I include it here:

In the midst of their grief over this shocking loss, the Amish community didn’t cast blame, they didn’t point fingers, they didn’t hold a press conference with attorneys at their sides. Instead, they reached out with grace and compassion toward the killer’s family.

The afternoon of the shooting an Amish grandfather of one of the girls who was killed expressed forgiveness toward the killer, Charles Roberts. That same day Amish neighbors visited the Roberts family to comfort them in their sorrow and pain.

Later that week the Roberts family was invited to the funeral of one of the Amish girls who had been killed. And Amish mourners outnumbered the non-Amish at Charles Roberts’ funeral.

It’s ironic that the killer was tormented for nine years by the premature death of his young daughter. He never forgave God for her death. Yet, after he cold-bloodily shot 10 innocent Amish school girls, the Amish almost immediately forgave him and showed compassion toward his family. http://www.800padutch.com/amishforgiveness.shtml

And forgiveness has a way of coming full circle.

Terri Roberts, the mother of Charles Roberts, has found peace in the midst of her pain at her first-born’s anger at God and horrible actions. She spends her days caring for her son’s most injured victim yet alive – an 11 year old girl who is paralyzed. Each week, Terri bathes the girl, brushes her hair, talks to her and sings hymns.

As she says: “As we reach out in ways that bring a touch, we can find great healing.”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/religion/story/2011-09-29/amish-schoolhouse-shooting/50609184/1

On Thin Ice

Late at night, in the cold of a Dutch winter, an innocent man flees before his pursuer.

If he is caught, he will be put to death for his faith.

Coming to a body of water, he runs across the ice and despite the danger, makes it to the other side.

His pursuer is not so lucky and falls through the ice.

The man, Dirk Willems, hearing the cries of his enemy, returns and saves his life.

The “thief-catcher” wants to free his savior, but the authorities insist he follow the law.

Willems is arrested and burned at the stake, literally giving his life for another, his enemy.

(A note regarding numbers: As he died a long slow death, Willems “was heard to exclaim over seventy times, ‘O my Lord; my God,’ etc.” Strange to find this number in the account of a man who exemplified the Rule of the 490).

Source: http://www.homecomers.org/mirror/dirk-willems.htm

Sister Christian

One sister is missing a thumb and has pins holding her vertebrae together.

Another suffered brain damage, coupled with hearing and memory loss.

A third was killed.

All of this occurred in August 2010, when a drunk driver slammed into the car in which these three women were riding. The incident made national headlines because the driver was an illegal immigrant with two prior drunk-driving convictions and a scheduled deportation hearing.

The women, members of the Benedictine Sisters of Virginia, did not like how the case was politicized or the condemnation of the young man, who was recently sentenced to 20 years in prison for the crash.

The two surviving sisters believe the man should face the consequences for his actions, but even in the midst of terrible grief and loss, they have chosen to focus on forgiveness, not punishment, for what they see as a terrible accident.

As one nun put it: “But for the grace of God, I could be an alcoholic, and it could have been me behind that wheel.”

http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/drunk-driver-gets-20-years-for-va-crash-that-led-to-2-nuns-deaths/2012/01/31/gIQAEtf9nQ_story.html